This is a frequent question from my single women clients.
Megan asked the following questions in one of our phone sessions: “Over and over, when I’m really attracted to a man and I sleep with him fairly early in the relationship, I discover that he is not good husband material. What am I doing wrong? Am I just attracted to the wrong kind of men?”
” Megan, many men know how to project sexual energy in a way that arouses women. These men define their worth by their sexuality and by their ability to attract woman.
” So what should I be doing when I feel that powerful sexual attraction?”
If you feel sexual upon first meeting someone, there is a good possibility that this man just wants a sexual encounter with you rather than a real relationship with you. My suggestion to you is to not have sex early in a relationship, even if you are very attracted.”
” Well, when do you have sex?”
” More often than I’m willing to admit. This is what keeps happening. Are you saying that I should also go out with men that I’m not immediately attracted to?”
Many of my clients with the best relationships are people who were not immediately attracted to each other. Others, who were attracted immediately, lost their attraction as they got to know the person.
Why not wait until there is a commitment to the relationship and to growing and learning with each other? How often have you slept with a man that you were really attracted to and then had the relationship not work out?”
” Many men can have sex and then just move on without any inner turmoil. Many women feel connected to a man when they have sex with him and then feel awful when the relationship doesn’t work out. Because all he wanted was sex, it is unloving to yourself to sleep with a man early in the relationship and then run the risk of being dumped.
When you have sex too early in a relationship, it might not be emotionally or physically satisfying. When sex is not an expression of love, it often feels empty, and then the guy might decide that you are not the right person for him because there were no fireworks.
” But,” replied Megan, “I always think that a man won’t like me if I don’t have sex with him.”
” Well, if you doesn’t like you for not having sex with him, what does this tell you about him?”
Many women feel connected to a man when they have sex with him and then feel awful when the relationship doesn’t work out. It is unloving to yourself to sleep with a man early in the relationship and then run the risk of being dumped because all he wanted was sex.
” I guess it tells me that he is not good husband material.”
” Okay, I see that now. I see that what I’ve been doing is never going to lead to marriage. I’m going to put sex on the back burner and pay more attention to caring and intimacy.”
Megan asked the following questions in one of our phone sessions: “Over and over, when I’m really attracted to a man and I sleep with him fairly early in the relationship, I discover that he is not good husband material. If you feel sexual upon first meeting someone, there is a good possibility that this man just wants a sexual encounter with you rather than a real relationship with you. How often have you slept with a man that you were really attracted to and then had the relationship not work out?”
“! You have nothing to lose by not having sex right away.”
Megan completely changed her pattern with men and within a year she was engaged to be married.
