In the 35 years that I’ve been counseling, I’ve discovered that the one mistake people make in starting a new relationship is to have sex too soon. There are many reasons why people have sex too soon: they think it will create deeper intimacy, they are just in it for the conquest, they are afraid of rejection if they say no, they get physically carried away, they like sex. They tried to get the intimate connection through sex, but great sex is an outgrowth of intimacy, not a cause of it. Don’t jump into bed until you feel so safe with each other that even if the first time you make love you don’t get an erection it won’t ruin the relationship. Is it sex you want or a relationship you want?
Brad was just completing his divorce after having been married for over 25 years. He had not dated in what seemed like forever to him and had no idea how to start.
” What are you most concerned about?” I asked.
” Sex,” he answered.
” What about sex?” I asked.
Pause … “Well … performance. What if I can’t perform? What if I’m too nervous to perform?”
” Okay. Let’s start with sex.”
In the 35 years that I’ve been counseling, I’ve discovered that the one mistake people make in starting a new relationship is to have sex too soon. There are many reasons why people have sex too soon: they think it will create deeper intimacy, they are just in it for the conquest, they are afraid of rejection if they say no, they get physically carried away, they like sex. Let’s take the example of Yvonne.
Yvonne is a lovely young woman in her middle thirties who really wants to get married and have children. She has no trouble meeting men, but the relationships don’t last. They rarely even get started.
The problem is that Yvonne often believes what men say to her early on in the relationship. I haven’t had such a good time in years! She put aside her inner warning signals and had sex with him.
And sex without deep caring might be a physically satisfying experience, but it is flat emotionally and spiritually. They tried to get the intimate connection through sex, but great sex is an outgrowth of intimacy, not a cause of it. Physical attraction is never enough to see people through the inevitable conflicts that come up in primary relationships.
Deep caring comes through spending time together getting to know each other. It comes from having conflict and getting through it to understanding each other on deeper levels. You need to love someone’s soul before you will be willing to go through the challenges that come up in all relationships.
What I said to Brad was, “Take your time. If the first time you make love you don’t get an erection it won’t ruin the relationship, don’t jump into bed until you feel so safe with each other that even. It may take months or longer before you feel that safe with someone.”
” Months? I’m supposed to wait months before having sex?”
It depends on how much time you time you spend with each other. All this takes time. Is it sex you want or a relationship you want?
I want a relationship. I actually feel some relief knowing that it’s okay to take my time!”
