Gwen tried to learn to speak up for herself, but this only brought more abuse. From Gwen’s point of view, there was no way out other than to numb the pain through drinking.
As long as Gwen believed that she could be okay only through the approval of others, she remained unable and stuck to stop drinking. Gwen decided to get some help in learning how to take loving care of herself.
Often, the pain you want avoid is the pain of loneliness and inner aloneness. The aloneness is caused by inner disconnection, and the loneliness is caused by not connecting with others.
When Gwen no longer felt trapped and suffocated, her desire to drink went away. No matter what I did, it was wrong, unless I did exactly what he wanted me to do. They are so happy to have me back rather than numbing out with alcohol.”
Gwen was terrified of being outcast from her family of origin. She believed that the pain of leaving would be worse than the pain of staying – that she would end up feeling even lonelier.
Gwen felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. Gwen felt extremely lonely with him and suffocated by him – feeling like she had to tow the line and do what he wanted or be at the other end of his rage. For Gwen, drinking was the only way she knew to survive the pain of his insults while finding some way to resist his control.
Alcohol had always been a part of her life, but she started to abuse it when the pain and stress of her marriage became too great for her to handle. Due to her fear of her family’s judgment and her two children, Gwen did not want to leave her marriage.
What if you are a person who wants to stop drinking, who has tried AA and treatment programs, and just can’t stop? What might be happening here?
The underlying basis of all addictions – and alcohol is no exception – is the avoidance of pain. While there is evidence that some people have biological and genetic predispositions toward alcoholism, not all people with these predispositions abuse alcohol or become alcohol dependent. Many people who join AA learn to deal with their painful emotions without the use of alcohol, regardless of their genetic predisposition.
If you want to stop drinking and can’t, you might want to look closely at what you would need to do to change your situation so that you no longer need to drink to avoid pain.
As Gwen started to tune into her own feelings and learned to connect with a spiritual Source of love and comfort, she realized that keeping herself and her children in an abusive situation was not loving to anyone. They had been very worried about her but had not wanted to interfere.
The underlying basis of all addictions – and alcohol is no exception – is the avoidance of pain. While there is evidence that some people have biological and genetic predispositions toward alcoholism, not all people with these predispositions abuse alcohol or become alcohol dependent. Many people who join AA learn to deal with their painful emotions without the use of alcohol, regardless of their genetic predisposition.
Sometimes, the situation you are in is painful and extremely lonely; yet leaving the situation might seem even more painful.
Gwen grew up being the good girl in her family, the person who looked after everyone else’s needs and feelings. She learned well to ignore her own feelings and needs. She actually had no idea why she drank when she started counseling with me.
Alcohol had always been a part of her life, but she started to abuse it when the pain and stress of her marriage became too great for her to handle. They are so happy to have me back rather than numbing out with alcohol.”
